Even though you are no longer married, your ex-spouse remains a parent to your children – and, in turn, an important figure in their lives. Therefore, it is not uncommon for your children to bring up your ex-spouse even during your parenting time.
It is important to handle these situations with grace. Here are some tips to consider.
1. Do not shut the conversation down
Especially right after the divorce, it is understandable that any discussion of your ex-spouse can trigger negative and uncomfortable feelings. However, as mentioned above, your ex still plays a critical role in your children’s lives. It is only natural that they will feature in stories your child wants to share with you.
It is important to listen to your children. Be an active and intent listener to their stories.
2. There is more to it than “not badmouthing” your ex
As we have discussed in previous blog posts, you should not badmouth your ex-spouse in front of your children. There is more to consider in this situation though. As Psychology Today notes, you must monitor your non-verbal communication as well when around your children.
“Badmouthing” could include rolling your eyes or making a face whenever your spouse comes up in conversation. Make sure you keep your expression under control throughout the discussion.
3. Think about it from your child’s perspective
You may only see your ex as just that – your ex-spouse. However, your children see them as their parent, just as they see you.
If your child brings up your ex or wants to talk about them, it can help to consider your children’s point of view. While it can be understandably difficult to speak positively about your ex, you can respond to your children’s stories with statements like:
- “I’m glad your dad is there for you like that!”
- “That was really nice of Mom to do that for you!”
Putting it in perspective of your child – how your ex’s actions affected your child – can help you keep a more positive tone.
It is not necessary for you to bring the context of your past relationship with your spouse to your child’s present relationship with their parent. Parenting after divorce can come with challenges, and those challenges can sometimes arise in mere conversations, but it is possible to prepare for them.