Remember the 4 P’s

• Preparation: As discussed in this past blog post, preparing yourself and your child for the custody exchange is one of the best ways to help you handle a tense situation. That not only means planning ahead for the transition or hiccups in the schedule, but also preparing yourself mentally to handle the exchange.
• Purpose: A co-parent looking for conflict may try to draw out the interaction. However, custody exchanges are very simple. The purpose is to make sure your child safely goes from your care to your co-parent’s. You do not have to engage in further interaction with your co-parent. Remember your purpose, and stay focused on keeping the situation calm and focused on your child.
• Partnership: If interactions with your ex-spouse are stressful, even if they are minimal, consider bringing someone along with you for the custody exchange. Do not underestimate the effect of a third party. With a family member or trusted friend by your side, it can help to reduce the tension. However, it is important to note that if custody exchanges get too conflict-ridden, a neutral third party may be necessary. You may have to reevaluate your North Carolina parenting agreement to either require a neutral third party be present or even conduct the exchange. After all, your children are always the priority. Eliminating parental conflict and tension, even in a short interaction, is often in your children’s best interests. 
• Peace: Make a plan for yourself to help wind down after custody exchanges. You may need a bit of recovery time. Doing something that relieves your stress and helps you find peace can also help you transition into your off-parenting time, when you have the house to yourself. 

Is one option better or worse than the other?

• Offers privacy for families, while family court matters are public record
• Is often less expensive than resolving matters in family court
• Gives families more power and control over their situation 

What is the real question to consider?

• What you must address in divorce: Do you have complex assets to divide? Child custody to negotiate? Complex issues do not rule out mediation at all, but it will be important to understand your list of to-dos as you choose which process will work best for you. 
• Your relationship with your spouse: Is your spouse someone you cannot reason with? Is there a history of abuse or domestic violence? If the answer is yes to either of these questions, then mediation may not be the best option in this case.
• Your negotiation skills: Mediation involves a neutral third party who will facilitate your conversations. You may also have your attorney present to negotiate, protect your rights and support you. Even so, it will still be helpful to consider your own abilities and strategies as you can take control over the agreements you reach.

4 ways to manage a judgmental co-parent

1. Refer to your parenting plan, every time: Adhere to the terms of your North Carolina parenting plan. As long as you are doing so, your co-parent’s criticisms and judgments may not carry much weight, at least in the legal realm. Additionally, you may have included steps for how to handle conflict in your parenting plan as well. Follow these steps and continue being the best parent you can be.
2. Ensure your children do not overhear them: Everyone may be entitled to their opinions. However, your children should not have to hear your co-parent’s criticisms of you or your parenting. Make sure your co-parent brings any concerns straight to you, and does not speak negatively about you in front of your children. If you suspect they might be badmouthing you to the children, it will help to keep a record of these instances. 
3. Evaluate the current parenting arrangement: Since you continued to get along fairly well after the divorce, perhaps you both determined co-parenting was the best arrangement for your family. If your child’s other parent is stirring up conflict and this arrangement is no longer working, you can consider other options. Parallel parenting might be a path forward, for example. 
4. Refocus on the kids: No matter what, your children remain the priority. Even if your co-parent is criticizing you, make sure you stay focused on what really matters: protecting your children’s best interests. 

How can you address these situations with your family?

• In the moment: Stay calm. Employ strategies on how to respond to judgment, and try not to take what they say to heart. Most of all, be confident in yourself and your parenting skills. Even if solo parenting is new to you, parenting is not. 
• In the long run: While you can set boundaries in the moment, you can also proactively establish boundaries with your loved ones. After the first instance, sit down with your loved ones and have an honest conversation. It can help to use “I” statements, such as, “I would love your support when it comes to X, but I would appreciate it if you let me handle Y.” It can be a challenge to enforce these boundaries with loved ones, especially opinionated loved ones. Consistency is key. Make your boundaries clear, and then hold them. 

Will you have to carve up the collectibles?

3 critical questions to answer

1. What is the value of each item? It will be essential to value each item and the collection as a whole. Each item’s value will play a key role when negotiating how to divide the collection pieces that are marital property fairly.
2. Which pieces did you own before the marriage? Perhaps you started your collection long before you walked down the aisle. Create a list of each piece you accumulated before your marriage. These items are likely separate property, and therefore will not be a part of the division of your marital property. You keep your separate property in a divorce.
3. Are there gifts in your collection? Your friends and family know very well that you are an avid collector. Over the years, they may have given you collectibles as gifts. Under North Carolina law, gifts given specifically to you are considered your separate property.

1. Strategize your schedule

2. Review household rules

3. Communicate consistently

4 tips to navigate this process smoothly

1. Create a checklist of all the accounts, financial or otherwise, that will require updated information. In the digital world we live in, this list can be rather long. Almost everything requires an online account nowadays. Organizing all of these accounts in one place can help you keep track of your progress, and make this task feel far less overwhelming. 
2. Arrange this list by deadline. Some accounts should be updated as soon as possible, such as your credit card and bank accounts. Once you have completed your checklist of all the accounts, adjust the order by urgency. 
3. Determine what information needs updating. After a divorce, you may have to change your address – especially the billing address – on various accounts. If you change your name after divorce, you may also have to make sure your accounts reflect that change. You may also have to remove your ex-spouse as a user on certain accounts. Specifically for financial accounts of any kind, you may also wish to change who the beneficiary is, if it was previously your ex-spouse.
4. Look into the procedures required to update information. As you create and review your checklist, make note of the processes to revise the accounts. Some may be very simple, such as personally changing your name in the settings of a music streaming account. Others may be more intensive, requiring proof of a name change or additional paperwork. For example, many financial institutions will require an updated government ID to make changes. This means that if you change your name or address, you may have to update your North Carolina driver license in order to change any information on your accounts.

4 steps to guide you

1. Determine your goal in the sale: How much time, money and effort are you willing to invest in your home to get it ready to put on the market? Are you seeking top dollar or just a fair deal? These are critical questions to answer. You and your spouse will also divide the finances you invest in preparing the home for sale, but you must agree on your end goal before moving forward.
2. Prepare your home: Once you and your spouse have established your goal for the sale, then you can put your plan into action. You must review all of the steps involved in the process of selling a house and prepare your strategy. Evaluate the local real estate market, fulfill the renovations or work needed that aligns with your goals – and say your goodbyes to the home that served your family well. 
3. Plan how you will communicate: Regardless of your goal, selling your home can be even more difficult if you and your spouse do not exactly get along. Since you will have to agree on how you handle the home throughout the preparation, showing and closing procedures, you will have to maintain some level of communication. It will be beneficial to establish rules of how you will communicate – during the sale and the process of your divorce as a whole. 
4. Calculate how you will divide the profits: On top of the various steps to sell your home, the process of dividing the proceeds from the sale remains. You must divide these proceeds equitably, which will require a careful consideration and calculation. 

Can you have a 50/50 custody schedule?

Parents must still be realistic about custody schedules

• Honestly evaluate your family’s needs and circumstances to establish a custody arrangement that actually works for your family. 
• Carefully consider your child’s needs in these situations, as their needs come first. As the North Carolina Judicial Branch notes, parents do have rights and should obtain a fair agreement, but their child’s best interests take priority in child custody matters. 
• Assess your schedules and the logistics. How close you and your ex-spouse live to each other, each of your work schedules and your child’s schedule will all be important factors you must consider as you determine your child custody arrangement – especially if your goal is to divide custody 50/50.

How can you make peace with your decision?

• Not ignoring your feelings: From the positive to the negative emotions you may experience, make sure you do not stifle them or try to rush through them. It may be uncomfortable for a time, but giving yourself space to work through your emotions at your own pace will be more beneficial in the long run.  
• Reframing the idea of “failure”: When a marriage ends, some people say it “failed.” Even friends or family who mean well may use this language. However, divorce is not a failure. Your life is simply moving in a different direction than your spouse’s. You can reframe your perspective by focusing on the new start you have ahead of you. 
• Focusing on the future, not the past: Letting the hurt and pain – or even the early happiness – of the past relationship influence you in the present can make the divorce process even more challenging than it already is. It can spark conflict in your divorce, and within yourself. Concentrate on the future you are building as you complete the steps to end your marriage.