What changes are being discussed?

• What are the requirements now? As you may know, one of the requirements to file for divorce in North Carolina is to complete a separation period of one year and one day. This specifically means spouses must live separately during this time. 
• What are the proposed changes? According to WCNC, Senate Bill 626 suggests reducing that separation period to six months. It also includes even further exceptions in certain cases. For example, if a divorce involves abuse or domestic violence, the separation period could be eliminated altogether. 

What does this mean for you?

• Where you and your spouse will live, in order to fully live separately 
• How you will share child custody, if applicable
• How you will manage marital property during this time
• What the ground rules are for your separation

3 details to analyze before the move

1. Location: Are you moving in with your partner or are you both moving into a completely new place? Regardless, location or relocation is often a key factor in child custody matters. Whether you move closer or farther away from your co-parent, your child’s school or other family members, it may be necessary to revisit some of the terms of your child custody agreement and determine whether modifications are necessary. 
2. Household: The routine you and your children are used to during your parenting time will change. Even if your children get along well with your new partner, it will take time for everyone to adjust to the new household situation. There may be some individual habits or behavior you may not discover until you actually live together. However, it will help to have an honest conversation with your partner about routines and expectations before moving in, so you can prepare for the shifts as effectively as possible. It will also be essential to loop your partner in on the details of your parenting agreement, and ensure you continue to adhere to the guidelines you established with your co-parent.
3. Timing: This is a significant factor when welcoming someone new into your family. You and your partner may have been together for years now, but moving in together is often perceived as the official move to unify your lives, just short of marriage. Do not rush this process, for your sake and your children’s sake, and make sure it is the right time to take this big step.

Answer: Yes and no

• The appreciation in value of marital assets during this time
• Increases or decreases in interest on marital investments or debts during separation
• A bonus you receive as a result of work completed during the marriage

What about the other assets you obtain during this year?

First, why is this question so difficult?

• The reality of change: If you are considering these options, it means something changed in your relationship along the way – and that things may have to change again. Change of any kind can be hard to handle, especially in such a personal relationship.
• The perception of failure: Some people perceive divorce and even counseling as some sort of failure. While this is absolutely not true, it can still be challenging to face this perception and the social stigma that can still surround these topics. 

To find the answer, there are more questions to ask

• What is the source of the marital strife? Is it something that counseling can resolve, or are you at risk?
• How committed would you be to finding a solution? How committed would your spouse be to a solution?
• Will your spouse agree to counseling? Will you both be open to the work and suggestions made during counseling sessions?
• What exactly would a divorce in North Carolina entail? How could it impact your goals for the future, and your family?

If your family faces this debate, what should you know?

• What North Carolina says: North Carolina law does indeed list requirements for children’s vaccinations. It is possible to obtain an exemption, but without one, the law generally expects that these requirements will be met.
• What your child’s doctor says: Professional medical advice can play a critical role in this discussion as well. Speak to your child’s pediatrician and obtain their professional opinion.
• What your custody agreement says: Who has legal custody of the children? This will be an important determining factor, as parents with legal custody have the right to make critical decisions regarding their child’s life – including medical care. This can become more complicated if parents share legal custody, and disagree on this matter. Either way, it is critical to review the terms of your custody agreement and understand your parental rights.
• What family law court says: If such a disagreement develops during or after divorce, the last thing you may want is to take matters to court. Even so, it is important to understand how the family law court might approach such an issue. When it comes to matters involving children, things will always come down to one question in North Carolina family courts: what is in the best interests of the child? This means the court’s decision will factor in what is best for the child’s health and wellbeing in the long run. 

When the answer is likely “No”

• Separate debts: Assuming these liabilities did not become commingled property – by you helping your spouse pay them – any debts or loans your spouse owned before you got married will likely remain their responsibility. Student loans are a common example of this kind of debt. 
• Properly divided joint debt: If you and your ex-spouse address your joint debts effectively, then you will likely not be responsible for them. Consider your joint credit card account for an example. Once you divide the debt – usually by who incurred it – and pay off your balance, then you should close the account. That way, you will not be responsible for the credit card debt your ex incurred, even if they have to transfer their remaining balance.

When the answer may be “Yes”

Remember the 4 P’s

• Preparation: As discussed in this past blog post, preparing yourself and your child for the custody exchange is one of the best ways to help you handle a tense situation. That not only means planning ahead for the transition or hiccups in the schedule, but also preparing yourself mentally to handle the exchange.
• Purpose: A co-parent looking for conflict may try to draw out the interaction. However, custody exchanges are very simple. The purpose is to make sure your child safely goes from your care to your co-parent’s. You do not have to engage in further interaction with your co-parent. Remember your purpose, and stay focused on keeping the situation calm and focused on your child.
• Partnership: If interactions with your ex-spouse are stressful, even if they are minimal, consider bringing someone along with you for the custody exchange. Do not underestimate the effect of a third party. With a family member or trusted friend by your side, it can help to reduce the tension. However, it is important to note that if custody exchanges get too conflict-ridden, a neutral third party may be necessary. You may have to reevaluate your North Carolina parenting agreement to either require a neutral third party be present or even conduct the exchange. After all, your children are always the priority. Eliminating parental conflict and tension, even in a short interaction, is often in your children’s best interests. 
• Peace: Make a plan for yourself to help wind down after custody exchanges. You may need a bit of recovery time. Doing something that relieves your stress and helps you find peace can also help you transition into your off-parenting time, when you have the house to yourself. 

Is one option better or worse than the other?

• Offers privacy for families, while family court matters are public record
• Is often less expensive than resolving matters in family court
• Gives families more power and control over their situation 

What is the real question to consider?

• What you must address in divorce: Do you have complex assets to divide? Child custody to negotiate? Complex issues do not rule out mediation at all, but it will be important to understand your list of to-dos as you choose which process will work best for you. 
• Your relationship with your spouse: Is your spouse someone you cannot reason with? Is there a history of abuse or domestic violence? If the answer is yes to either of these questions, then mediation may not be the best option in this case.
• Your negotiation skills: Mediation involves a neutral third party who will facilitate your conversations. You may also have your attorney present to negotiate, protect your rights and support you. Even so, it will still be helpful to consider your own abilities and strategies as you can take control over the agreements you reach.

4 ways to manage a judgmental co-parent

1. Refer to your parenting plan, every time: Adhere to the terms of your North Carolina parenting plan. As long as you are doing so, your co-parent’s criticisms and judgments may not carry much weight, at least in the legal realm. Additionally, you may have included steps for how to handle conflict in your parenting plan as well. Follow these steps and continue being the best parent you can be.
2. Ensure your children do not overhear them: Everyone may be entitled to their opinions. However, your children should not have to hear your co-parent’s criticisms of you or your parenting. Make sure your co-parent brings any concerns straight to you, and does not speak negatively about you in front of your children. If you suspect they might be badmouthing you to the children, it will help to keep a record of these instances. 
3. Evaluate the current parenting arrangement: Since you continued to get along fairly well after the divorce, perhaps you both determined co-parenting was the best arrangement for your family. If your child’s other parent is stirring up conflict and this arrangement is no longer working, you can consider other options. Parallel parenting might be a path forward, for example. 
4. Refocus on the kids: No matter what, your children remain the priority. Even if your co-parent is criticizing you, make sure you stay focused on what really matters: protecting your children’s best interests. 

How can you address these situations with your family?

• In the moment: Stay calm. Employ strategies on how to respond to judgment, and try not to take what they say to heart. Most of all, be confident in yourself and your parenting skills. Even if solo parenting is new to you, parenting is not. 
• In the long run: While you can set boundaries in the moment, you can also proactively establish boundaries with your loved ones. After the first instance, sit down with your loved ones and have an honest conversation. It can help to use “I” statements, such as, “I would love your support when it comes to X, but I would appreciate it if you let me handle Y.” It can be a challenge to enforce these boundaries with loved ones, especially opinionated loved ones. Consistency is key. Make your boundaries clear, and then hold them.